Juji Jin
Chunin
[M:-15250][M:-15250][M:-15250][M:-15250]
A Mist chunin
Posts: 1,604
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Shikaku
Mar 28, 2008 23:17:25 GMT -5
Post by Juji Jin on Mar 28, 2008 23:17:25 GMT -5
You love to use that (>_<) thing. Ha ha.
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{~| Pastorius |~}
ANBU
The Perverted Smartass[M:0][M:0]
I know you can't battle the masses dear A tiny storm in your teacup girl
Posts: 396
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Shikaku
Mar 29, 2008 0:06:42 GMT -5
Post by {~| Pastorius |~} on Mar 29, 2008 0:06:42 GMT -5
In shikaku clan their kekkai genkai has two effects. One is telepathy and the other is telekinesis. Telepathy: Speaking to other people through their minds. Or sending thoughts to another person. The telepathy only works when talking to people of the same age group as the user. Telekinesis: Moving objects with the user's mind. When trying to move an object you can only move objects up to a certain size. The user can't move an elephant or anything that big. All the user can move is stuff their size and smaller. I've bolded problem areas.
First: It should be "the Shikaku"
Second: Kekkei, not Kekkai
Third: They aren't effects. They're abilities.
Fourth: "the ninja" or "the user" not "you." Also, I know I said to use things like "the user" but you're repeating yourself way too much yet again.
Fifth: No examples... Find a different (and much more creative) way to word it.
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shadow
Academy Student
Posts: 0
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Shikaku
Mar 29, 2008 13:26:13 GMT -5
Post by shadow on Mar 29, 2008 13:26:13 GMT -5
Yes i do love to use that (>_<) thing as you put it. and i am fixing them pastorius.
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{~| Pastorius |~}
ANBU
The Perverted Smartass[M:0][M:0]
I know you can't battle the masses dear A tiny storm in your teacup girl
Posts: 396
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Shikaku
Mar 29, 2008 18:54:02 GMT -5
Post by {~| Pastorius |~} on Mar 29, 2008 18:54:02 GMT -5
Just so you know, I'm not trying to be hard on you. I just want you to make your groundwork for your character as good as it can possibly be.
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Juji Jin
Chunin
[M:-15250][M:-15250][M:-15250][M:-15250]
A Mist chunin
Posts: 1,604
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Shikaku
Mar 29, 2008 19:39:59 GMT -5
Post by Juji Jin on Mar 29, 2008 19:39:59 GMT -5
Him and Arashi are the tuffer ones im just medium. I mainly would do summonings, wepons, and trainings harder. I
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shadow
Academy Student
Posts: 0
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Shikaku
May 15, 2008 19:50:53 GMT -5
Post by shadow on May 15, 2008 19:50:53 GMT -5
Anything else that needs to be done? =^_^=
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{~| Pastorius |~}
ANBU
The Perverted Smartass[M:0][M:0]
I know you can't battle the masses dear A tiny storm in your teacup girl
Posts: 396
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Shikaku
May 17, 2008 10:00:42 GMT -5
Post by {~| Pastorius |~} on May 17, 2008 10:00:42 GMT -5
Uh, I'm not sure... It's good, I just don't like the idea for the Kekkei Genkai. Telepathy and Telekinesis are just, not ninja stuff. Though if you really want it, you can't call it mind magic. That's going to be a dead give-away that it's not ninja-y.
Also, it's still not worded well. But since you don't seem to be able to word it appropriately, I'll give you a freeby for the Telekinesis. Here it goes:
[size=1An ability unique to the Shikaku clan. The clan member will establish a mental connection to an object, and is then able to move it with their mind by sending a steady stream of chakra into it. However, with people, it's another story for if the person has a more forceful chakra about them, they can easily resist the hold and the clan member will simply waste chakra. They also cannot move things more than twice the clan member's weight without causing damage to their brain.[/size]
So try to be that good with the Telepathy and you'll be fine.
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shadow
Academy Student
Posts: 0
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Shikaku
May 19, 2008 18:37:42 GMT -5
Post by shadow on May 19, 2008 18:37:42 GMT -5
Okay Does that work?
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{~| Pastorius |~}
ANBU
The Perverted Smartass[M:0][M:0]
I know you can't battle the masses dear A tiny storm in your teacup girl
Posts: 396
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Shikaku
May 19, 2008 21:11:52 GMT -5
Post by {~| Pastorius |~} on May 19, 2008 21:11:52 GMT -5
Well enough.
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